I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
