i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize