He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
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I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
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Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.