just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
