Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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