Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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