I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
