Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
