and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
is wine microwaveable?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
