Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
