So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
