he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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