im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
