I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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