Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
