Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
