whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
