I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
