Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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