How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize