we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.