fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
