that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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