Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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