My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
