I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
