Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
