i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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