where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
