You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Green mimosas i think yes
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
