Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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