Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Randomize
