I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
