Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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