buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
