Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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