why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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