Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
