my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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