So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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