There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
