Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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