Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.