I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?