Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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