she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
