i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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