Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
