you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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