he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
