I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
