Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
