Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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