He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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