Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.