I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
