Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
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you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
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Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life