Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
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I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends