Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.