At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.