You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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