I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
