You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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