I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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