If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
