and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
