She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
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