The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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