John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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