Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
