she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
