Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
