I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
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DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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